The Thing That Shapes Us

I sat down with Aetna code analyst, former fish market bookkeeper, wife, former factory worker, daughter, college dropout, mother, and self-proclaimed wallflower, Laurette Emery, to discuss how she defied the odds and achieved success. People notice social butterflies. Public figures garner recognition and acclaim. We rarely hear the story of an ordinary person who accomplishes her own version of success.

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A Nook illuminating James Patterson’s latest thriller lies on the coffee table amongst several crossword puzzles left on the brink of completion. Sanded-down pencils lie on every surface of an otherwise pristine living room. As we sit down on beige couches, clarity dawns and she scribbles “DRAFT COPY” on 23- down, completing a puzzle. In response to a buzzer from the kitchen, she darts up with an apology, “We’ll get started as soon as I check the temperature on this roast!”



You may be thinking, “Laurette Emery must be a novelist or a cryptographer or a chef!” However, you would be wrong.



Laurette Emery invited me into her three-bedroom, one-and-a-half-bath raised ranch on a sweltering 85-degree day. Despite the sunny climate, our talk turned to the harsh realities of the life that society imposes on us all.



Life has become so competitive; you have to be a standout just for consideration at an unpaid internship and self-worth is measured in “likes” and “favorites”. Emery, however, strayed from the path that life set out for her.



She made choices that an outsider would not expect from her. Holistically, Emery was meant for a different outcome, but the one she achieved can inspire us all to be content where we end up.



Emery grew up in a big family with two sisters and a brother. She had seven aunts and uncles, all with children of their own. Her mother grew up during the Depression and always told them they were poor, but Emery described it as “middle class.” Despite the extensive size of her family, their bonds were not as close as one would think.



“My own family, my sisters and I, there’s a big gap; we’re like seven years apart. So, they were in high school and I was just a little kid… We couldn’t do a lot together just because of the age difference. A lot of the time I felt like I was by myself.”



Suddenly it’s 1966 and we’re in the Emery family’s living room. A little television is the focal point of the room and the family huddles in front of it.



“My parents were always there. I think sometimes now the parents are absent, they have so many of their own activities now and back then that’s not how it was. We had one little TV with 3 stations and now my kids have a TV in every room. Sunday nights growing up were good because it was The Ed Sullivan Show and we’d always sit together and watch it. The Wizard of Oz was one of our family ‘things’ too. Whenever it was on we’d all sit and watch it together.”



That was one main point Emery hinted at often: how different society is now. From the young age of 5 or 6 she would be left to her own devices, never really supervised. Now, she says, with her own kids, nobody would do that. “It just wasn’t done,” she said, “It’s just not safe, you have people out there abducting children. Parents are tethered to their kids now.”



“Sometimes, even now when my kids are home, I find myself in the house by myself and it’s a novelty. I was always by myself as a kid. It’s a good thing I wasn’t inclined to get into trouble because if something had happened my mother wouldn’t know where to find me.“



When Emery talked about her hobbies and experiences as a child, she was always alone. Despite prying, she could not divulge the name of one close friend. She attributed her lapse in memory to her unconventional school situation.



Emery vividly remembers her first day of high school. Her knapsack is strapped flush to her spine. Her patent leather shoes click on the linoleum. They feel out of place amidst a sea of Converse. “We all went to Catholic schools. I was very isolated for many years. I went to school out of town, too, it was very regimented and you didn’t have a lot of leeway to do different things. I just accepted that that was normal. Then, when I moved to public school for high school, I was shocked because in between classes you just went anywhere that you wanted to. I wasn’t accustomed to that.”



Her early introduction to a structured environment made her a staunch supporter of the rules and bred a need for organization. While her separation from her peers is something she looks back on with regret in her eyes, her times spent alone manifested into a need to be independent in adulthood.



In 2007, Emery’s daughter came home with a challenging homework assignment. The prompt: What do you want to be when you grow up? Some classmates would express their dreams to be President, a ballerina, or an astronaut. Others would steer towards the attainable with doctor, teacher, or ice cream man. Laurette Emery had no personal context to share with her daughter.



In today’s society, that’s appalling.



She only attended one year of college, which we might call “under-achieving”. Yet, she makes a five-figure salary and is financially independent.



In 1984, Laurette has just quit her job at the fish market. Her long string of employers started with a factory job making electronic pieces, transformed into a factory job making lipstick tubes, and ends today with her resignation from the office at the docks. A friend helped her get an interview at Aetna and today is her first day.



“Luckily, the job that I got happened to suit my skills quite well. That was fortunate because I didn’t really have a plan, I didn’t have a career in mind.”



It’s 2015 again and we’re back at the raised ranch. Emery plays the piano in the living room, eyes downcast, a familiar tune with a title I cannot place. Her pursuits are solitary, but she makes it work. Sometimes it's not all about doing what society wants you to. She grew up in a huge family and went to a Catholic school. She should be extroverted, outgoing, and have all the connections in the world. She should have a college degree. She should have rich friends and love talking about herself. She's none of those things.



But, she's happy.



It took me some time to separate Laurette Emery, the isolated and directionless adolescent, from Laurette Wice, my demanding and dedicated mother. My memories of overhearing her chew out a coworker on a conference call and facing the brunt of a rant about how disorganized my room almost do not fit together with that woman.



Her life always seemed so routinized and effortless. It pushed me to make declarations of a career early on and bulk up a resume worthy of the life she provided me. In a way, knowing the backstory eases the pressure I’ve always felt to be perfect.

The Young and the Recalcitrant

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“What is wrong with Generation Y?” That Google search turns up over 80,000,000 results in .41 seconds. We are narcissistic, technology-dependent, and, most importantly, we killed chivalry. Gone are the days of courting, going steady, and dating, only to be replaced with hookups, FWBs, and Tinder matches.


Not only do millennials forego commitment, we have created a culture where commitment is a weakness. By committing, you’ve given in to the conventions of our parents and failed in your rebellion against the archaic structure of society. Simple Plan would be disappointed in you.


As a card-carrying member of Gen-Y, I often wonder what we did to deserve such a bad reputation. Sure, we are the generation that brought you twerking, the selfie, and 2 Chainz. It could have been worse. That is equal in scandal to Elvis Presley’s dance moves, women showing their ankles, and storing cigarettes in shirtsleeves. However, it is time we cop to the effects of our lassiez faire approach to intimate contact.


Millennials do not date. They do not call each other boyfriend/girlfriend. Instead, they have created a new discourse for their relationships. You text all the time? Oh, you’re talking. You only speak when he texts you at 2 AM to come over? You’re his booty call. You’re friends who also hook up? Friends With Benefits. For a generation of lovers that refuse to label their relationships, we sure have a lot of labels.


I think the most defining characteristic of a millennial relationship is that there is no definition. We like to keep it casual. We spend weeks skirting around The Talk. Once “what are we?” comes into play, the tryst is as good as over. We don’t explicitly outline our relationships as relationships so there is a smaller chance that emotions will get in the way of: a. friendship, b. sex, or c. another relationship.


Why do millennials fear commitment? Why do we suppress natural cravings for connection to another human being? What is wrong with Generation Y?


Love at First… Swipe?


"We’re playing Tinder. Swipe right to any guy with a beard. Automatic left to anyone with a dead animal." "What do we talk about when they message us?" "Oh, we don't respond to any messages."-21 year old females


The year 2013 brought the world the cronut, Prince George of Cambridge, and, of course, Tinder.

Tinder is no longer just for starting fires. Image courtesy of Rachel Wice.

As millennials, we have resources for finding potential mates that our parents did not have. We have options. We have visual verification that real people out there are interested in us. When we are constantly stimulated by our many choices, we become less willing to commit to just one.


According to Match.com, 48% of women and 38% of men say that they research someone online before they go out with them. The Facebook Generation asserts the power to create a test-tube partner through online personas and profile pictures. They pick and choose. They explore every avenue before deciding to pursue something more.


@TextsFromLastNight: (503): I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?"


Jessica Carbino, Tinder’s dating and relationship expert claims that it’s not all about the looks. “Research shows when people are evaluating photos of others, they are trying to access compatibility on not just a physical level, but a social level,” she said in an interview with The New York Times. Tinder headquarters asserts that the app is not for shallow interactions or one-night-stands, but establishing connections.


Dating apps like Tinder, Coffee and Bagel, and Hinge put a dossier of potential friends, dates, hook ups, and boyfriends at our fingertips. If it’s as easy as a swipe to the left or right, why not do it all the time? We get a feel for a candidate before we even speak to them, and rejection is as easy as an “unmatch.” Nothing ventured, nothing gained.


Are Feelings the New Ebola?


"When you're in a relationship it means you have to buy a toaster. You and another human have to mutually agree on the model of the toaster and where in your shared space it will go and how to pay for the toaster together and I just don’t need that stress in my life."-20 year old female


Millennials have gone through life without complication. Personally, I never had to search through the card catalog at the library. I never had to do a research paper with physical books and microfiche. I barely needed to learn basic arithmetic. Technology advanced as we grew, and thus it became an integral part of our development. We like instant gratification. When my Internet buffers for 30 seconds, I experience emotional distress. Gen-Y is accustomed to streamlined and advanced scenarios. We simply do not have time in our lives for emotions.


"Why am I so emotional? No, it's not a good look gain some self-control. And deep down I know this never works, but you can lay with me so it doesn’t hurt.”—Sam Smith, “Stay With Me”


Having feelings has become a trait rather than an integral part of being human. More so, having feelings has become an unappealing trait. You need to be chill, nonchalant, and vague at all times. The possibility of “catching feelings” as if they are a disease is cause for widespread concern.


Andrew Reiner wrote a piece for the New York Times about teaching Generation Y the basics of a strong relationship. He said, “[Gen-Y’s] romance operandi—hooking up and hanging out—flouts the golden rule of what makes marriages and love work: emotional vulnerability.” Sara H. Konrath backs up his assertion with her research. Declining levels of empathy, higher levels of self-esteem and narcissism, peer pressure to take part in the hookup culture, and the noncommittal mindset that hanging out breeds has resulted in a generation that is terrified of romantic intimacy.


Blame Loudly, Solve Infrequently


“Young people have been hit the hardest by the recession and slow economic recovery.”—John Tamny for Forbes


It’s not all our fault. Perhaps the motivation behind the desire to remain unattached stems from a desire to put off the future. Tamny talks about recession, government spending, and economic correction. In so many words, he outlines that the government systematically disfavors Millennials. Our futures will not be easy. Why would we want to make plans for the future if our prospects are not ideal? In choosing not to settle down, we commit a silent act of rebellion against older generations.


Biologically, humans need to reproduce. Humans need to evolve. Humans need to be monogamous to raise offspring. What's wrong with Generation Y? We do not take full responsibility for the downfall of society, it's true. However, we are a product of our upbringing. Our exposure to technology has led us to redefine communication.


We still feel and yearn for connection, but we are easily validated through a "like" rather than a physical touch. We're mechanizing. Some would call this progress. However, the human race got by just fine before technology muddied the waters. Generation Y needs to realize that an essential part of being human is human contact. If we continue playing out our relationships from behind a screen, we will continue to miss out on the comforts of real human company.

Self Defense for Paranoiacs

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Picture this: you've just finished inhaling some chicken parm with pasta at the Union. Your friend nonchalantly announces that there's a self-defense class going on and proposes the two of you scope it out. You’ve never taken one before. What’s more, the last time you punched someone you damaged your hand more than your target. So with hopes for improvement you say, “Why not? It’ll be fun! An adventure,” and you go.


That night, I learned how to punch without breaking my fingers. I learned how to knock an assailant off their feet. I learned how to S.I.N.G. just like Sandra Bullock said to. I even learned how to flip someone over my shoulder! Suffice it to say, I felt badass.


People are empowered when they know they can protect themselves. I know I was, even though chances are slim that I will ever flip an assailant over my shoulder or spin-kick a mugger in the face. Why, then, do we breed a culture of fear? Why do we question what lurks in the shadows and defend ourselves against an invisible threat? Is it an instinct of protection or, perhaps, a consequence of the shared horrific events of our lifetime?

When I was 12, I would walk to catch the bus to camp every morning because my parents worked early. They would wake me up at seven before they left, always with the reminder to lock the door and keep my phone on me. I didn’t necessarily live far away; I'd walk down Bow Lane, around the corner of Winthrop past the fire department, and then half a mile down Court Street to the elementary school.

For context, my town is as tame as a kitten on Prozac. The biggest police-related matter occurred a couple of years ago when one of the cows escaped, ran amok around town, and knocked some fences over. Cromwell's finest corralled him after a 4-hour chase. Suffice it to say, bad things don't happen here.

The town's lack of street cred did not deter my parents from providing an extensive curriculum on stranger danger. That's why my entire body tensed when a car pulled over beside me one morning. I panicked and dialed 9-1-1 on my phone. My eyes glazed over as if my blurry vision meant they could not see me as well.  Horror scenarios played out before my eyes. They would jump out of the car, abduct me, tie me up, and drag me back to the basement of a sketchy apartment with broken windows and feral cats.

That same anxiety is why I almost refused to help an old woman with a walker bring groceries to her car. I had just finished ringing her out at the register when she requested assistance and I drew the unfortunate short straw. She walked up to a minivan and I froze. According to parents, you must always be wary of vans. She slid open the back door and hundreds of amber alerts and abduction newsreels flashed across my mind. 

I could see a man in the driver’s seat. He was hooked up to one of those portable respirators that click with every breath. I could hear the air being pushed and pulled in and out of his lungs. I assumed he was her husband, but it was just as likely he was her accomplice. I paused.

She was just standing there by the door, waiting for me to put her 24-pack of Poland Springs on the seat. I craned my neck to check if there was a more able-bodied individual lurking in the back seat. I kept my eyes diligently on her in case her limp was just for show. I considered the odds of her regaining posture and swiftly pushing me into the polyester-upholstered backseat of her Honda. Eventually, I put her groceries away and nothing bad happened.

Even telling that story now, I feel ridiculous.

Why were we brought up to fear everything? Is it because we're old enough to remember where we were on 9/11 when we became victims of a surprise attack? With potential terrors from the outside, it’s a worst-case scenario to fear threats from within. You cannot live a full life when you view your own backyard as a potential crime scene. When the blanket your child carries around everywhere is potential evidence and every interaction with a stranger is a potential abduction, you miss the experience.

It’s usually the case that the car pulled over on the side of the street just needs directions. That old woman has a bad hip and can't lift her groceries alone. That guy at the bar just thinks you're pretty and wants your number. Caution is one thing, but over-cautiousness degrades altruism to the point where we value self-preservation over goodwill.

We’re all innately suspicious because of how society is structured. We're convinced that everyone has an ulterior motive, so we put all of our energy into defensive strategies and forget to live free of restriction.

I didn’t take a self-defense class to be prepared for an attack. I wanted to burn off some chicken parm and hold my own at the next fight club meeting. It’s not something wrong with society that we want to be prepared for the unthinkable. However, our prudence encourages vigilance over the innocent. Kinship is a foreign word and society needs to re-learn its meaning if we want to maintain our humanity.